Iris
by And The Moment's Gone
Summary: And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand...


_Title: Iris  
Category: TV Shows » General Hospital  
Author: GwenhwyfarRose  
Language: English, Rating: Rated: T  
Genre: Angst  
Published: 03-06-11, Completed  
Chapters: 1, Words: 1,894_

_Warnings_/_Spoilers_: Everything that happened in the episode airing 07-03-2006 (specifically the scenes with Dillon, Lesley Lu and Georgie are in this.

_Summary_: and I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand

* * *

_Official_ _Disclaimer_: All General Hospital characters and plots belong to Frank and Doris Hursley, and ABC. I do not hold stock either the people or the company. Dillon Quartermaine, Lesley Lu Spencer, and any other character featured are NOT mine. The title, summary, and lyrics come from the Goo Goo Dolls song _Iris_ and I don't own that either.

* * *

She had no idea how long she had been sitting by herself.

Sure, she was wearing a watch, but she honestly couldn't remember the last time she had actually looked at it. It was probably sometime before she had gone to Dillon-

Dillon.

She kicked her feet out in front of herself and shifted her hips. She had obviously been there for a while, her tailbone was asleep. And for half a second she allowed her mind to feel sorry for herself. Then she ran a hand over her hair and bit her lip. _Sorry is a total waste of time. _She repeated to herself, then again and again. It was her new mantra. _Sorry is a total waste of time. _Her eyes glassed over, and she found her view of Wyndemere obscured through her tears.

Wonder what dear old Dad would say about guilt?

No, Lulu shook her head. She couldn't exactly say she felt guilty; ashamed maybe, but not guilt.

She also felt hot.

Not the sensual hot that most women are supposed to feel about themselves. She was _physically_ hot; the kind of that stuck your clothing to your skin and tried to burn you from the inside out. And she was sore. God was she sore. If she allowed her eyes to close so she could focus, Lulu might actually be able to still feel Dillon's hands on her skin; his lips on her cheek.

Her feet shot out again, more so because movement brought pain and pain brought focus.

She'd done some damage tonight.

And she'd gotten some damage done to her.

"_You love her."_

Her own words would have knocked her backward if she wasn't so fixated. On Wyndemere; or at the moment it had been said when they had been trying to get dressed to get away. But she'd still seen his eyes soften at the thought of him and his wife, or ex as the case might not have been, and it tore at her.

Dillon didn't love her.

She had known that to begin with. Lulu was his friend, his confidant. She was his partner-in-crime with the crazy father who pulled them into adventures. Dillon didn't love her any more that anyone else did. And once again she did something completely Spencer to get something wonderful that she had no hope of keeping.

"_And maybe that's why you did it - because nobody loves you..._"

The footsteps on the stairs behind her caused her to flinch but not look up. People had passed her before and they would continue to do so. A sad little girl on the pier wasn't cause for alarm in this town.

It's when they stopped behind her that she finally blinked, not that she allowed her staring contest with the island that she had known as an odd form of home at one point in her life to end.

"Hi." Diego had stopped beside her, almost half a step behind, and looked out over the water. He couldn't tell what she was staring at. Partially speaking he wasn't too concerned with it. She had held up her end of the deal, surprisingly, and there wasn't really a need for them to be seen together anymore. After all, she had launched the grenade and he knew that Georgie wouldn't look too kindly on them fraternizing if they were caught. "How'd it go with Dillon?"

Hearing his name shook her, and Lulu forced a blink before turning her head to the sound of his voice. Her eyes met his legs first, something that Diego might have laughed at until he noticed the blank look on her face never wavered, and then finally she met his eyes. Her jaw clenching gave her away. Diego didn't have too much experience with the girls of Port Charles, but he knew what it looked like when one was hurt. "You hooked up with him, didn't you?"

Lulu looked back to the water, her teeth still squeezed tightly together. She blinked again but still said nothing. What did he care anyway who she slept with? Diego was in it for Georgie, and now that he had her, he could leave Lulu the hell alone.

That didn't stop the boy from dropping onto the pier next to her, pushing his bag back a foot to make more room. His arms dropped to his sides just like hers were and he bit his lip before speaking again. "Are you okay?"

She would have laughed if she could have.

Instead it came out more of a cough, and she forced herself up on her palms for a second before refocusing on the island again. It kept her from looking at him at least. "Fabulous." She responded, a tear away from giddy. "What more could a girl want?" The smile came easier than she had thought it would and just as she was going to show Diego, she forced her eyes back to the water. "Sleeping with the guy she's crazy about on a boat house floor, and afterwards he hates himself because he cheated on the girl he really loves."

"_And maybe that's why you did it - because nobody loves you..._"

She could hear Georgie's words ring through her head and had to blink back the tears. She could cry to herself all she wanted but she was a Spencer. And Spencer's never cried in front of other people.

"Lulu, did Dillon hurt you?"

_Why should you care?_ She wanted to lash out at him, even as she shook her head. At least that part was true. "No." She said aloud. "He was as sweet and as kind as ever." It still didn't help the ache throughout her entire body, the ache that began and ended in her heart. "This is what we wanted; the perfect plan." She took a deep breath and finally looked at him. Diego didn't know if he had ever seen anyone look so defeated.

And she was supposed to have won.

"Now Dillon and Georgie are broken up for good, and we get to pick up the pieces." Her eyes shut and her nose flared, trying to fend off the tears of a job well done. The tears of a pain that she knew Diego couldn't share, "Lucky us."

He rested his hand on hers for a moment, not too sure what the right response was supposed to be. Did he tell her that it would all be all right? Did he tell her that it would work out in the end? Was there a set of words that he could put together to get the look of defeat off of the face of the girl that had most assuredly risked it all for what he wanted? "I'm here if you want to talk." He said finally, running his hand up to her shoulder.

When she shrugged away from his touch, Diego stood.

Ten minutes passed, or maybe an hour. She wasn't too keen on looking at her watch, and she sure as hell wasn't going to pick up her cell phone. It had buzzed three times since Diego had walked away. The only time she was tempted to answer it was when the theme from _Pirates of the Caribbean_ came muffled from her purse. She had always had an odd sense of humor about her father. Not that she wanted to talk to him any more than she wanted to talk to anyone else. The next time her phone buzzed, however, she actually pulled it out of her purse.

Three missed calls, and one text message.

She checked the message first, and smiled at Alice's usage of the phone that Luke had bought her. She was concerned that Lulu wasn't home yet and wanted to know if the young woman needed Alice to send a car for her. Lulu sent a simple 'no,' promising that she was all right and would be home soon, and pulled herself to her feet as she checked her voicemail.

"_Hey, it's me. Um - could you give me a call when you get this? I - uh - I shouldn't have let you leave like you did. Um - I just - I don't - I don't want you to think that us sleeping together didn't mean anything to me, Lulu, because it does. And - and I care about you, and I don't want you to think that I take that for granted. So - um - I'm just - I'm going to be here at the boathouse waiting. Um - we need to talk. Call me, please-"_

She hit the end button then, not wanting to hear anymore. Her shame was bad enough; she didn't want to hear Dillon's. It was so tangible that she could almost feel it through the phone.

Putting one foot in front of another, she unconsciously dropped her phone into her purse. No more phone calls, no more voicemails. There was no way that she was going to think of anything that happened in the last five hours?

Had it really only been five hours?

Her father, her pseudo-friendship with Georgie, her virginity, her relationship with Dillon such as it was all gone in the time it would take to watch an awards show. What would her grandmother say about her now?

Or her mother?

"_And maybe that's why you did it - because nobody loves you..._"

Her feet gave out from under her and she grabbed onto the rail. She could feel herself sinking even as a sob choked from her throat.

She swore that this wouldn't happen to her. She wouldn't let herself get this far. She wasn't supposed to care. It wasn't supposed to get to her.

She was a Spencer.

She _is _a Spencer.

She can be better than this.

She pulled herself to her feet slowly, struggling to stand.

She had to get home.

One hand clutched onto the railing, she dug her phone out of her purse and dialed the house. She had to get home, showered, and changed. She could lock herself up in her room with her things and her headphones and pretend that this day just never happened.

Alice picked up on the first ring, and as calmly as she could, Lulu asked for a ride home. She even promised to be a good little Spencer and stay on the pier until the driver came.

"Sorry is a total waste of time." She began again, saying it out loud until her voice leveled out and she could push the rest of the tears out of her eyes. "Sorry is a waste of time. Sorry is –" Another choke and a cough from behind her and Lulu pulled herself up and turned to the Quartermaine driver. "A waste of time." She finished, cinching her purse up closer on her shoulder and took a step up.

She forced a smile onto her face and nodded to the man in front of her.

She would do what she had to do. She would be there for Dillon, for her father. She would do whatever it was that she needed to do, whatever it took. She is a Spencer. Sorry is a total waste of time.

_When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am_

And someone loved her.


End file.
